Well, ladies and gentlemen (and flamboyant gentlemen), that terrifying time has come around once again… the time when we are forced to hit the stores in search of the perfect swimsuit.
For some reason, many women seem to be of the opinion that, for men, this is in no way a mind-numbingly frightening experience–but really that couldn’t be further from the truth. First off, let’s get one thing straight: It is imperative to pick out a perfect suit that will hug your love handles (or hopefully, lack thereof) in just the right way—not too much pressure now, for those handles will topple over the sides, and not too little either, you don’t want to appear larger than you already are! That being said, for men, there are essentially four beachwear looks from which to choose:
THE BOARD SHORT
Always a good choice. You come off looking sporty, masculine, and carefree. Let’s just remember to snag a pair with netted lining or some sort of support so that we don’t end up looking like Mr. Playgirl 1998. This is also a chance to flaunt a fun design or motif. I personally prefer to go with a large floral pattern to distract from my sagging boobs–I mean, um, pecs.
Tommy Bahama Blurred of Paradise Swim Trunk, $48*; RVCA Civil Stripe Boardshort, $53*; Paul Smith Multi-stripe Swim Trunk, $160
THE GAY SHORT
Here, my friends, we have the male coochie cutter—basically a boxer brief of sorts that is ‘acceptable’ to wear in public. These only look good if you’ve got amazing gams, so if you have a case of FAT THIGH, like I do, please re-consider this choice. If you have a little butt and sexy legs, then by all means find yourself a cute pair and hit the beach! Note: Confidence is key.
D&G Swim Short, $95; Marc by Marc Jacobs California Swim Trunk, $50*; Bikkembergs Swimming Trunk, $75*
Speedos are hideous. Just don’t do it. Unless you are drop-dead gorgeous and/or packing some major heat, there is no reason to even consider them. You know what, I retract that–even if you are an Adonis, it’s still sexier to hide a little something. Let’s face it, most of us are not on some hip beach in France trying to fit in. Leave something for the bedroom; everyone will be thankful in return.
DSQUARED2 Gigolo Speedo, $250*; Speedo Brief Trunk, $45*; N2N Bodywear Catalina Sport Bikini, $29
THE BEACHED WHALE
Raybans, a bottle of tequila, a white hoodie, gym shorts, and flip-flops complete this beachwear look. Let’s just hope it never comes to this.
UFC Practice Short, $40*; Champion Cotton Gym Short, $12*; Nike Dri-Fit Training Short, $30