It’s a tale as old as time. Some men will wear whatever they can get away with under the auspices of function. Take, for instance, the pleated pant. Wives, girlfriends, and perhaps even boyfriends, have been begging their fashion-challeneged partners not to pull those god-foresaken pleated pants all the way up over their hip bones, zipper and button up. And yet men will insist that they’re comfortable, that they give them much-needed room in the ass, hips and crotch, and that they’re simply more functional than flat-front pants. That all may be very true, but as most women can testify, looking good isn’t always about being comfortable. In fact, men, you may be comfortable in those pants that make your butt look like two balloons hiding under a blanket, and thighs like two hocks of ham, but you look like your overweight grandfather in them. Now do you feel comfortable?
Stylists, designers and fashion consultants across the board will tell you to throw away your pleated khakis. And you know what? Pleated suit pants you can sometimes get away with, especially if you’re wearing a blazer that covers up those heinous folds of fabric. Even the staunchest pleat-haters will concede to this. If you’re going to be spending an active night of up-and-down toasting, photo-posing and breakdancing at a wedding, you could totally bust a seem in your ass when you least expect it. Embarrassing, yes. But keep that jacket on, for cripes sakes. That’s the thing about pleated khakis or separates; they make you look pretty much universally fashion-backwards. Want to complete the nightmare package? Throw on some old man white sneakers under those cuffed khakis and you’ve officially aged yourself a solid twenty years.
What kills me the most? The penis issue. Men love to make an issue of their bulge. “It’s too big! And I refuse to wear briefs,” you say. Alright, well maybe you’re not adult enough to wear pants at all. Stick with your gym shorts and your baggy jeans. At all times. Because if you’re going to wear fitted white pants and boxers, you may be giving more of a show than you’re willing to admit. Maybe you like that because you want people to stare at your crotch because you like staring at “cans.” Doesn’t work that way, my friend. Learn to wear a pair of boxer briefs. They’re not going to strangle your balls and your girlfriend’s going to love taking them off at the end of your dressed-up night. Even more so because you wore that slimming, debonair, and fashion-conscious flat-fronted suit from Calvin Klein. Seriously, throw away those old Dockers, please. And never look back.