FLIP FLOP TIRADE!

Let’s talk flip flops, gentlemen. They are not acceptable with just about any pant, and especially unacceptable with jeans of all kinds. So you’re going to say ‘But it’s 90 degrees out and I can’t handle socks and shoes!’ or ‘I just don’t give a shit about my shoes.’ Well, summer’s over so Excuse #1 is finally null, and as much as you don’t give a shit about your shoes, I give a shit about not seeing your disgusting toes.

There are acceptable uses for flip flops, sure: college and gym showers, when wearing shorts (still questionable) and at the beach. If you’re going out to bars and clubs with enough sense to put together an outfit that you are hoping to attract sex with, why not just put some damn shoes on. Sneakers, loafers, Keds, moccasins, espadrilles (yes, they exist for men), boots, anything will do, really. As we discussed earlier, pants may be rolled up or cuffed to expose your ankle if you feel that your dogs are just going to DIE from the heat.

What’s sad is that the flip flops phenomena is so widespread and it appears to be a generational marker. If you’ve taken your dining hall footwear out into the real world, chances are you were born after 1975. Our elders think it’s gross and indicative of a lazy, self-absorbed wave of youth that believes they don’t need to obey simple customs of civility. Can’t you just envision a tween walking around your city with ultra-skinny jeans and flip flops texting their bff, sunglasses on and iPod buds in, running right into a 50 year old professional on the sidewalk. It’s embarrassing.

To make matters worse, these flimsy little pieces of rubber passing for footwear tend to make the most obnoxious thwack noise, don’t they? And trust, you can learn to wear flip flops and NOT make those sounds. But, perhaps to rub it fashion’s face, young folk will just thwack-drag-thwack it up, intentionally making as much noise as possible. That’s when you want to rip them off their feet and push them into a pile of broken glass. Don’t make us do that, please.
–BILL CHENEVERT
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